A few tears rolled down my cheeks when I saw my medical reports. I really don’t know whether I should be happy or sad. All the medical reports are clearly saying— “Meghna, you are alright, you have no infertility issues, but it’s your husband who has some fertility issues. Please visit us to treat your husband’s infertility.” Husband infertile - these two words shocked me to the core. I knew managing my infertility is way easier than manage HIS.
Yes, I should be happy because now I can confidently face my in-laws who only blame me for not being able to conceive even after seven years of marriage. Now I can tell them on their face— it’s your son who can’t give you ‘ghar ka chirag’, not me!
Though I want to scream at the top of my lungs that it is my husband’s infertility which is culprit, something inside me holds me back. How can I blame my husband when I know how it feels when someone calls you ‘baanjh’? How can I leave his hand and let him go through the ordeal all alone?
I can’t do this with my Ravish, so, I decided to stay strong. After all, it is not about him or me; it is about ‘us’.
Not all wives are like Meghna. Just as men have a hard time in understanding what their infertile women are going through, the same happens when the roles are reversed. So I thought to put a piece of help for women who have infertile husbands. Instead of playing the blame game, it is time to face and fight the infertility together. So let’s discuss ways to handle your husband’s infertility.
1. Be Extra Patient While Dealing With Infertile Husband
Accepting infertility is never easy and when it is about male infertility it is even more difficult. As a wife, you must understand and be really patient. There will be times when he would just get angry or ignore you but remember those are his coping mechanisms. Give him time to come around.
In our male-dominated society, whenever, a couple fails to conceive, fingers are always pointed at the woman. Your husband also belongs to the same society, and therefore, it is obvious for him to get angry when he comes to know that the problem is with him. But his anger, sadness, and any other negative emotions are not because of you but because he is hurt. After all, he is also suffering from the same mentality that measures the manhood on the scale of sperm count.
2. Don’t Let Desperation Spoil Your Relationship
It is natural for you to feel desperate and lost. And, in that desperation to have a baby you rush towards babajis, fastings and puja. All this can make your husband more insecure. Though, he may look all strong and angry from the outside, in reality he may be lonely and sad.
Your grieving husband might not be ready to go through these procedures right away and unintentionally, you might add to his woes by pushing such steps. Discuss your thoughts with your husband, the rational ones.
3. Husband Infertile? Need Sperm Donor| Be Sensitive When You Discuss
Sperm donor IVF is a good and doable option for conception in male infertility cases. Remember, even your doctors have asked you to give it a thought. Don’t jump the guns. First, give him time to accept and reconcile. Then make him feel loved and respected and then talk to him about the big decision. Take help of a trained counsellor, if required. After all, you want to have a baby and deal with your husband’s infertility but don’t want to lose him, right?
4. Keep At It | Keep It Together
Trust me; it is not going to be easy. Be prepared to try several times over. And, that’s the least you can do given that male infertility is a big taboo in society and a big blow to a man’s concept of manhood that men grow up with. Husband infertile - is not yet accepted by our society.
Also, remember not to quit. Keep trying. It is going to be difficult. But keep trying multiple options and you will eventually succeed. For he loves you too and wants to have a baby. The purpose is the same for both of you. It might take time and tons of patience though.
5. Don’t Force Your Husband to Be Vocal About His Feelings
Stop asking him to vent out his feelings. Women cry, men don’t. They either express through anger and in extreme cases by getting drunk.
Usually, men are not very good when it comes to expressing their emotions. But just because your husband is not venting out his emotions, it doesn’t mean he is not hurt. Though, you should encourage your husband to share his feelings with you, never pressurize him to do so. You can suggest him to go to a therapist to discuss it, but stay away from forcing him. Be gentle and avoid any unnecessary confrontations.
6. Don’t Discuss Your Husband’s Infertility Issues With Others
A lot of women use this as a punching bag. They will threaten the husband to tell his family that the problem is with him and not with her. Or, they will just use this as an excuse to win a normal fight between husband and wife. STOP, if you are even unconsciously doing this.
Just like it happened with Meghna; she wanted to tell the world that she is no longer less than any other woman. She wanted to shut the mouths of her in-laws by telling them it is their son’s fault. It is her husband’s infertility which is responsible. But she stopped herself, and that’s the best thing to do in a situation like this.
You might want to tell your family or friends what you are going through so that they stop pestering you with ‘baby’ questions. But it can adversely impact your husband who may not be comfortable in broadcasting his issues. Those questions which made you cry could also pierce his heart! Remember he is a human too…
You married him because you love him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him and ‘your’ kids. Those kids who will pick traits from both of you. So, in a testing time like this how can you let him go through the trauma all alone?
There are times when you will need to leave your ego at the door and put the couple’s interests ahead of your individual happiness.
Remember, you both are in the same team and you have to kill the demon of male infertility together!
Talk To A Real Woman Who Has Been Through The Same Journey. Find Your DOST
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