A regular middle class, well-educated and ambitious girl in her late 30s. Married at 27 and started trying to hit the ‘milestone’ from the age of 30th. Her period of fighting infertility began. She got unlucky as her ovarian age was not by her side, which she didn’t know until years went by in the treatment cycle, and after the discovery of endometriosis. The journey has been an emotional roller-coaster and she is still awaiting those “Two” lines on a pregnancy test that eluded her all through her fertile life. She is still fighting infertility.
Some prayers and some likes from you will make her feel supported and the universe will send her the love she wants, with genuine wishes from your end. As she strongly believes that if you pray for others honestly, the lord listens.
Where do I start? It’s been a long road for us- longer than a few others, but perhaps shorter than a few others. After all, it’s all about the perspective in reality.
Fighting Infertility – The Journey Is As Painful As The Disease Itself
I always did extremely well in studies, always topped and had my name on the shield. Always a hard worker, rather a smart worker—too serious sometimes as my friends call me and too sensitive some said. Sometimes I think maybe that’s what put the hormones in a tizzy and made me suffer from Endometriosis. Or perhaps those bouts of anger issues in the 20s and early 30s. And the Endometriosis which wasn’t too extreme but still burnt my ovaries so much that every cycle of IVF became a disappointment when it came to the quantity of eggs or the quality. After all we need just 1 to make a baby- so we told ourselves.
Menstruating for about 13-14 times in a year makes it to almost 100 pregnancy tests that we have taken so far in our life journey. Imagine the excruciating blow month on month, which a simple tiny single line can make on such a relatively bigger human being!
Every time I met with new doctors in search of the right one to help us through this battle, my pitch was:
“My life is a single line” and I am in search of that “double line”
My Transformation – Journey From Infertile Struggler to Infertility ‘Fighter’
What has happened with me, has made me stronger as I remember the song “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
Yes there has been a lot of pain, a lot of disappointment-despondency-depression (3d), solitude; but as a family we are much closer now and as a person I am much better than what I was 7 years back.
I believe in karma and kept accusing myself that this is a punishment to any of the sins I may have committed inadvertently, though I am not the one who can be hurtful to others. At other times, I kept questioning the lord- “Why” and “Why me” and “Why us”. There have been endless moments of self-pity and self-doubt too.
I have come full circle.
Today, I am saner, I am confident, I am hopeful and I am grateful.
I am a survivor.
The anger build up by fighting infertility has been replaced by this patience which I owe to my Vipassana practice and a few other things.
I have so many anchors who have saved me from drowning- My life coach, Vipassana my meditation practice, my husband for being the rock that he is, my blood family, some of my closest friends who have cried with me in moments of pain and supported me to rise up when I have fallen down.
Endometriosis And a Single Line
Today- We have schooled with 6 rounds of clomid and 3 rounds of hormonal injections (The way it begins in the UK before the next stages); graduated with 4 rounds of IUI; mastered with 4 rounds of IVF and yet we haven’t reached our goal i.e., a healthy pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby.
Too Short From a Miracle
Yes, a miracle did happen two years back. Our first IVF cycle succeeded (from an egg to embryo to foetus). I remember enjoying the first half of the first trimester- ooh that smooth skin, that smooth hair, that smooth feeling heart – such a great memory. But then something felt wrong the rest of the half. I didn’t feel the happiness; it was overshadowed by anger, irritation, insecurity and sadness.
It was real; I had a ‘missed’ miscarriage halfway through the first term but was discovered only in the 11th week scan. The doctors had to clean it up with a D&C procedure. I was so deluded and so attached to ‘that feel of being pregnant’ that I asked the doctors to show me ‘that’ before giving it away in the lab for a biopsy.
Then next few months gone in the colossal loss, as that was the only time I conceived.
What followed was super depression as I kept blaming me, my eggs for this. I kept telling my husband to leave me and move on in life. But he didn’t.
When Women Were All About ‘Their Eggs’ Only
Every time I looked at a woman on the road while walking or driving, I started to see them as egg bearing humans. Rather than admiring someone for their beauty or dressing style or confidence or anything else, the thoughts got replaced with – “she must be having good eggs, or maybe not, like me”. I started to judge myself as not being female enough.
Slowly I slowly started losing most of my best friends, and my own sympathy too.
I was so insecure during the period of fighting infertility that I started thinking my in-laws’ sole objective is to hurt me and not support me in having a baby. I started living with a ghost in my mind. Though, my in-laws were being extra careful around me, I was clouded and couldn’t see beyond what I wanted to see, the truth being far away.
Couldn’t see them as normal people with normal shortcomings which I needed to accept, as I lived in denial for so long, with the “Why me” thinking.
Grief has 5 stages- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance
Until now, I was living in the first 4 stages going up and down, criss-cross. Gradually, I started knocking off each of the stages with self-help and external help. After all you cannot change or improve if you don’t want to help yourself first.
My Saviour and My Purpose
Then came a hand to save me- my life coach who advised me not to be harsh on myself and live the life normally again. Techniques such as EFT, Matrix re-imprinting came to my rescue. And so did various kinds of yoga and meditation sessions. Time too helped in healing the wounds.
I started to search for purpose in life. As before this time, my only purpose was to fall pregnant. I was so fixated on it, the eagle’s eye, that I lost perspective of life.
I have found myself back after many years of fighting ifnertility and I am so grateful to everyone who have helped me along the way. And I am so grateful for the lord to put me through this journey early in my life, as this helps me live better now and in years to come.
We still keep going on but I want to start feeling normal again rather than be socially excluded. Go out with my head held high, not make excuses for not meeting my/our friends. And stop hiding my emotions- to be authentic. To be me, myself.
And I am still waiting for that ‘miracle to happen. Maybe, if not, we would go with the adoption but only if we are strong enough to accept the gamble of any child into our world unconditionally, without any bias. Like that of our own.
Perhaps the lord gave us this pain as he saw that we are the strong ones who can possibly make a difference in the life of an orphan.
We really are the strong ones.
May lord show us the light.
And you who pray for us, I pray back for you dearly, for whatever purpose you may have in life.
God bless you.
Helping our lovely ‘fate-warrior’ ladies to move from infertilitystruggle to empowerment by dedicating a poem to all of you written by me…
We don’t understand ‘why us’
So we fight internally
And we fight back
We rise again
And we keep going in the same loop again and again
We do everything that helps us move towards the motherhood goal
But what we don’t realise is that
We are blessed
To be able to understand the conception biology which most other parents do not
Blessed, that we have partners who are with us in this journey
Blessed, that we and our partners are not finding faults in each other
Rather we are supporting each other no matter what the shortcoming and with whom
Blessed, that god has given us a chance to develop compassion
Compassion towards others in the same situation and towards everyone else
Blessed, that we have the time to work on ‘myself’ and ‘us’ before a baby takes over our world
And turns it around completely
Blessed, that we can develop our strength during this trying time
Which will help us in the long run
Blessed, that we appreciate and value a child in our lives if we are blessed ever
Blessed, that we became stronger and better whether there is a child or not
Irrespective of a child now, or in the future, or maybe not
We are normal
We are complete
This story is contributed by our fertility dost who wishes to remain anonymous at this moment.